My Dirty Little Secret

here_is_now @ 2009-05-03T19:01:00

2009-05-03T09:01:13Z

Generally I have uttermost faith in life the world and most of all love.
I spend 98% of my drunken moments telling people my theories on love and how love is all we need to survive..
But now I have no faith in love.
And I do not appreciate the world.
Why do I have to be so young?
I just want to retire so I can move to my tiny house on the hill alone and read books for the rest of my life

=[

here_is_now @ 2009-05-02T04:27:00

2009-05-01T18:27:01Z

When am I going to accept that I don't love you anymore
Were over and I need to just walk away and let you
You just have the smallest hold left over me and I can't get you off.
Im such an idiot!!!
Can you just leave me alone
Don't tell me you love me
Don't try to hold my hand
And don't try and kiss me!!
I don't wanna do this anymore!

here_is_now @ 2009-04-20T19:56:00

2009-04-20T09:56:48Z

You don't want to kiss me
You don't want to sleep with me
You find my personality annoying.

Wait. Then why do you love me??

here_is_now @ 2009-04-14T01:09:00

2009-04-13T15:09:54Z

Im hating you more and more every day.

here_is_now @ 2009-02-07T00:02:00

2009-02-06T14:02:09Z

What the fuck am I thinking.
This is a bad idea

here_is_now @ 2009-02-04T00:14:00

2009-02-03T14:14:13Z

So things have been going well,
We talk fine we look fine everything is fine.
I stay the night with no conciquences
keeping my mouth shut with all the things I just want to yell at you and tell you how we can't keep pretending that everything is just fine.

I just hate it when reality hits me and im sitting infront of your wardobe and I notice little reminders on your shelves of all the reasons we don't wake up next to eachother anymore.

Oh is life.
Oh is love
Oh is realising things never change.

I don't get it

2009-01-28T06:06:13Z

I spent so long looking for you, I found you, and now I don't want you.
I've found that I am now desperatly trying to convince myself that I love you and want things to go back to normal.
But really, I think all I want is to show you who I am today.
How much I have changed and grown without you.
Seeing you now I feel I am capable of doing things unimaginable and its put a spark back in my heart.
I look at you now and the only way to describe it is as a "softcock"
So fragile and unsure.
I can't do that again.
Im much smarter.
I love your family and I love who you used to be.
But people change
And this time its for my benefit.

BIG SMILES.

here_is_now @ 2008-12-17T07:40:00

2008-12-16T21:51:07Z

its getting harder and harder to not miss you.
its like every day im without you im a mess.
i can honestly say that there isnt a day that goes by where you arnt on my mind.
i have every memory of ours, every last moment locked in my head still as vivid as the day it happened and i cant get them out of there.
there playing on loop.
its strange to think i am going to be 18 on sunday and your not here with me.
i honestly thought that you would be here.
im at the point now where words dont even describe the heart shattering that is a daily event when i see or do things where i get reminded of you.
i dont feel betrayed as much anymore.
ive had alot of time here without you to think about your actions, justifications and conciquences.
if you go on knowing that everything you did you did with pride and honour then it would be very comforting.
but unfortunatly for you i know that you will never do anything with any morals of saughts.
and yes it is getting easier to push you into the back of my mind there is still this constant reminder of the love i had for you.
it scares me a little to think of where i was and what i was doing this time last year and how much really can happen in a year.
i realised thismorning at an ungoddly hour that i actaully know what i am going to do with my life. i know what i want to see, what i want to accomplish, and where i want to go.
it was whilst i was realising this that the feeling when everything kinda just falls into place for you and your happy with whom you are even if its just for one second in time that you will never feel this. and i almost feel sorry for you.
you have so much potential to have a better life than those around you but every oppertunity that comes your way you simply discard.
it frustrates me that you ignore the good things in your life.
the things in your life that love you, take care of you and give up the world for you litterally you drain both physically and emotionally untill they have nothing left and are left a mess.
i have faith in thinking that someday, somehow you will realise the good things in you once had in your life and appreciate everything those surrounding have done and sacrificed for you.
for your own sake.

there are so many questions that i have for you, so many things i need to know.

bad memories 1

2008-11-30T14:21:02Z

I remember the sound of my dads footsteps walking up the stairs, around the corner and to where I was lying.
From the second I looked in his eyes that somethings would never be the same inside his little girls world again.
The same world that was being held in the hands of the jurys final decision.
The words "not guilty. Im sorry" came out of his mouth and time stopped
The last week, 7 months had flown through my head. Every detail and word and action
And I cried. And screamed.
Got in my car and just drove

If you were that one person in my jury that said "maybe" I hope your happy. There are things that have been burnt into my memory that will allways be as vivid as this

2 months on his brother said they would sue for deffimation of character. We told him to ask his brother who said "not to worry. He didn't want to go back into the case, confuse things more and bring me more pain"

When all I wanted was an appology.

well then

2008-11-24T14:30:48Z

I noticed I haddnt posted anything in 54 weeks. That's almost a year. And lets just say a lot can happen within a year.
There's 26 days till my birthday and the year has taken hell out on me.

This year;
Gone through 3 cars
Got pregnant
Been kicked out of home
Lost the child
Lost the partner
Went back home
Court bullshit
Not guilty
Left again
Had a good friend die
Lost my bestfriend of 7 years.
left the partner.

on the upside;
I found out who really cared about me
Had some amazing moments that will never been recreated
Left the partner
Relived some amazing memories
remet some old good friends
Met someone who has amazing potentiol to be the rest of my life.

But to the boy who put me through hell
Thankyou
I know a sencere thank you from me is hard to believe but it is really sencere.
If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be who I am now.
Damaged, broken but that little bit wiser and stronger than I was a year and a half ago.
You taught me that it is alright for people I love to actually stick around
And looking back on everything, (even though you are not appart of my life anymore for my own bennifit) we had a good run.
You may not be appart of my life ever again, but I will allways love you. Not because im inlove with you or ever will be again. But because you forced me to grow up really quickly. you made me feel every emotion physically possible. And were standing beside me everystep of the way.
My first companion.
The last male I trust.
Thankyou for everything but please stay the fuck out of my life,
Your only memory now
Lets keep it that way.

Its going to be hard to tell people about you.

sleep

2007-11-11T14:38:08Z

its so early.
and i just cant sleep.
its so hard to sleep.
i just want to fall asleep.
usually i just passout.
and its nice
to not have to worry
because your not in controll.

im so young.
i never wanted to go through any of this.
i just wanted to be a child.
to do little girl things.
something i never got a chance to do.
id do anything to be innocent.

its fine.
i spent so long covering this mess.
it really is what i do best.
you can see the cracks in my mask.
you can start to see the lack of sleep.
the things and people i miss
how peoples past actions have made me who i hide.

people tend to think they know me inside and out.
because i am open with them.
but there is so much to me you will never know.
so many nights and incidents that i will keep to myself.
so many times i have kept my mouth shut when i have seen
and been the victem of unspeakable things

its the screaming of other people.
the crying. the look on there face.
the bruises i hide
the smell of them
the sound of there voices that keeps me awake all night.

i was going so well.
sleep was getting easier.
i was falling asleep all over the place
untill last weekend.
when all those memories that i had spent soFUCKINGlong repressing came flooding back.

i ask people to not leave me alone when i have been drinking.
because i know what happens.
and most of the time i actually dont cause it.
just no one hears about it

id rather be ashamed and to fucking embarassed to say anything
than have you know what they do to me.
than have you know what i hide.
than have you know things that will never pass my lips.

back the fuck off

.

2007-02-08T12:49:54Z

to watch my life flash before my eyes made me realise how lucky i really am to be alive

thats how angry i am

2006-12-15T18:08:42Z

and upset.
last time i ever trust anyone i dont already trust.
people are shit
and have no hearts.
i was asleep in the lounge.
RIGHT ONTOP OF YOU TWO BASICALLY.
AS IF THE FACT OF ALL THE BULLSHIT YOU SAID TO ME WASNT ENOUGH
THEN YOU GO AND GIVE MY EX OF 2-3 DAYS HEAD.
SURE WHY NOT.

"dont worry she's asleep.
are you sure?
YES. trust me she;s asleep come on
ok."

pants come off.
and she goes down.

"i cant kiss you you just sucked me.

go get a glass of water.
it will be fine.

no you go get water.

haha no you go it will be fine,
scotttt."

and then i step in.

"i hate you both.
someone go get a fucking glass of water."

fuck you all.

i didnt do anything

2006-10-31T10:29:35Z

not that it matters to anyone anyway.
i tjhink i realised today
whom i can trust.,
sadly enough there are only like 6 people.

i guess i found my reality

here_is_now @ 2006-09-16T23:23:00

2006-09-16T13:26:58Z

This is the moment that you know. That you told you loved her but you don't. You touch her skin and then you think. That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me. Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me. Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark And all the friends that i was telling And all the playful misspellings And every bite i gave you left a mark
All i see are dark grey clouds In the distance moving closer with every hour So when you ask "was something wrong?" That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now. No, we can't talk about it now."
So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

dear everybody. or whoevers listening.

2006-09-16T13:12:32Z

i just noticed that they changed livejoural
yes it is trippy.
everyone may have noticed the change in who i am recently
its because im not sure i liked everything that has ever happened.
ive grown up in a life where i had to be more mature than most.
ive grown up with not many friends and being bullied
and now i have heaps of people who i thought were my friends.
but i think that the recent events have changed what i though

E.G

people have been putting double standards on me.
there allowed to do certain things but im not
there allowed to go certain places but im not
there allowed to see certain people but im not

BULLSHIT.

E.G.

if i ever go out on the weekends for a social reason
i have more than likely organised it.
if not i dont get invited.
and even when i organise things
they never happen
everyone has somehting better to do with there time than see me.

and you know what it shits me
i do so much for everyone
and get JACK SHIT back.

i dont expect anything than maybe being invited out places where everyone else is going
or even maybe you dont forget about me.
call me selfish
but im sure thats what friends are ment to do
well thats the impression i was under.

ON A FURTHER NOTE.

i really wish lissy didnt die.
i miss her so terribly.
its not like its somehting i can talk about to my friends because none of them would care anyway.
most of them are to wrapped up there own problems to even notice.
i lose a friend
and then they yell at me for not comming to school.
human compassion isnt a quality many have i am comming to find.

the two other boys.
i dont even want to talk about.
one of them was taken from us
and the other took himself.
one of them
i could have stopped it.
and it sits with me every single day.

the end.

dear paul

2006-09-08T13:15:52Z

i miss paul so much.
i havnt had the time to write back to his last email
and i feel badd
i miss our conversations
i miss how hes on the other side of the world.
i miss how he can allways make me smile
i love reading his daily lj entries

GET A MYSPACE PAUL
heres mine

www.myspace.com/harderthanmyheart

PAUL.

I MISS YOU!

the hardest part

2006-06-29T13:12:46Z

i dont mind the teasing and riticule
i dont mind being walked over
the thing that gets me is when i lose people i love
uncle barry was ment to start chemo therapy for his lung cancer next wednesday morning
his daughter marilyn called in the morning to remind him to take is tablets.
no respond.
so she went over.
the house was dark.
she called her brother and they both went in when he got there.
the day before uncle barry had started sleeping in another room so he could be on the oxygen all the time.
they walked in to find him dead.
aunty shirly was sleeping in the room next door.
she didnt even know.

funerals on monday.

paul. i did your email. but ive been a bit busy.
i will reply soon.
i swear.

i is angry

2006-06-19T10:55:15Z

not every song is about you
not every line is about you
i swear on everylast peice of my broken heart
this is the last time i think about you
think about me
i think about last words
last goodbuys

i dont allways dream about you
and i know its not a lie
somenights i dont dream at all
stay awake stareing at memories

im glad its over

here_is_now @ 2006-02-07T21:09:00

2006-02-07T10:12:07Z

things have changed to much with everyone and im hating it.

ive been thinking about it
and im trapped
mark and i, me and claire, ash, cass, elise, cam, all my friends.
its so shit,
im seeing things in people i dont wanna see
and before i was just joking and shit thinking that i was growing apart from elise and cass and kylie and that but today just proved it when i found out elise and andy were going out.
i mean she used to tell me close to everything and she didnt even tell me she liked him let alone they were going out
and i mean foster knew before i did and she doenst even talk to her much all anymore
i have left is really bonnie.
and shes gunna get caught smoking sooner or later
and end up moving to QLD and then im all alone.
mark have tamara.
cam has kristie.
claire is more than likely moving 8 hours away
and someone else is moving somewhere else to.
its just like fuck before i only thought i was alone.
but when bon gets caught i really will be
8 hours away
one of my bestfriends could be moving 8 hours away
and she doesnt even really care
craig wanted nothing but my body from me
and even then he is ashamed about it cuz its ME
and i mean if it was anyone else it would be alright,
but because its ME its suddenly a burden
and thats the saem with cameron
and its shit
i mean im a great girl
and its because FUCKING guys cant get over the fucking fact
i have some fucking meat on me that they walk past and it hurts
because i know that with nearly all my guy friends we should have been more but i know it was that with ALL of them and even if there not physically aware of it thats it
its human nature
and humans FUCKING SUCK
because im sick of all the fucking booty calls at like 6AM from fucking wogs who wanna fuck me after a night out
or even ex boyfriends comming to my house for booty calls
becuase no one else will fucking take him
or my friends using me to take all there shit out on me
i swear half the people in the school are only nice to me because im friends with claire
if i wuddnt they wud prob be throwing shit at me like they did in year seven.
and its all the shit thats just going on with like even my friends bf who is coming to me everynight in tears cuz HE wants to kill himself and DOESNT wanna be here and im the one sitting there talking him out of it because i care about him and i know if he goes than she will kill herself to and then if she goes then its one big chain
and i cant have that
i have to be perfect
because thats what everyone expects from me
to be happy
and cheery
and helpful
and nice
and giving
and loving
and listening
and they all come to me
and i cant fix these things i mean like people being raped and shit
and i cant tell anyone
and its like everyday im living a FUCKING lie
i wake up
go to school
and put on this fake as all hell smile
to keep up apperiances so my friends are happy cuz if there happy
then maybe i can be happy
but the problems
NEVER
end and i mean its like FUCK my apperance is cracking
and fuck everyone gets angry at me if i get upset
and in the end it just pushes them away like im probablly doing to you now mark,
cuz thats what allways happens
i push people away sooner or later
and we DID start to fall apart and now we like barly even talk.
and i hate this happeniong cuz it happends over and over again and it kills me
because i hate being alone
and in the end all teh people i lose and push away is alll my fault.
i am the cause to my own distater

here_is_now @ 2006-02-04T16:48:00

2006-02-04T05:58:54Z

I loved you,
you made me,
hate me.
You gave me,
hate,
see?..

It saved me
and these tears are deadly.
You feel that?
I rip back,
every time you tried to steal that.
You feel bad?
you feel sad?
I'm sorry,
hell no fuck that!

                       It was my heart,
                        it was my life,
                       it was my start,
                       it was your knife.

This strife it dies,
this life and these lies.
And these lungs have sung this song for too long,
and its true I hurt too,
remember I loved you!

I wish I could I could have quit you.

I wish I never missed you,

And told you that I loved you,
every time I fucked you.

The future that we both drew,
and all the shit we've been through.
Obsessed with the thought of you,
the pain just grew and grew!

How could you do this to me?
Look at what I made for you,
it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you.

I used to be love struck,
now I'm just fucked up.

here_is_now @ 2006-02-02T22:49:00

2006-02-02T11:50:00Z

fuck

here_is_now @ 2006-02-02T22:14:00

2006-02-02T11:15:15Z

it made me cry
so i put it here
shhh
i hate you

Standing here wasted half a year
now struggling on my own
my identity's unknown
I take these pills to numb the pain
the memory drives me insane
and the sound of your voice
still echo's in my head
in my head
its too hard to forget you
i'm still living with pain
and i cant break free
this ball and chain comes with your name
I cant afford these dreams about you
aspirations gone without you
and im letting to is something
I don't know so im forced to swallow this
and accept that im selfish
but despite what we've been through its still hard for me to chew
think of all the nights we stayed up late
just you and I like our first date
the place and time has changed
and i'm easily erased and replaced,
you mean so much to me
you're everywhere I look
your everywhere I go
i'm still in love with you.

here_is_now @ 2006-01-23T16:16:00

2006-01-23T05:17:34Z

what did i do?

GAH!

i dont know whats going on

its

like

odd

now

OH NO

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
Lord, it just ain't right
Lord, it just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby, hold me tight

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster

ON NO

AHHHHHH

<3

yo mr annonamouss

2006-01-22T02:54:18Z

its ok to be angry and never let go.
it only gets harder the more that you know.
when you get lonly if no ones around
you know that ill catch you when your falling down.
we came together
but you left alone
and i know how it feel to walk out on your own.
maybe someday i will see you again
and you'll look me in my eyes and call me
your friend.